recently...

MRI results were back.. WOW.. my knee in the place of those brain pictures u see in House or Grey's..the ligament is OFFICIALLy G-O-N-E. non-existent. informed parents already.. n they both agree that bearing in mind my future health, the operation has to b done. now the prob is when? as there is a crack in one of the soft bone that protects one of the bones at the knee.. i shldn't push it any further... alot of things running thru my head all the time... tiring... for unknown reason.. weather (suddenly rain whole wk.. gd for slping)? or is it all those thinking? i juz slp alot.. i mean yea.. in the first place i slp alot already.. but now it's worsening..

nothing too happy happened recently.. so it'z gonna b self-pitying, whining entries for awhile here...

Impulse.

for unknown reason, last night when I went out for dinner with my frenz, i had the urge to tok to my ex-hsemate.. u noe the one that i alwayz disliked? I was guessing she was going to the dinner... and on the way there.. i juz kept on thinking... thinking.. and thinking..shld i? will i regret? what wld happen again? will i become that disgusting creature that keeps complaining abt her that all my frenz would wanna shun away frm me whenever i wanna open my mouth. I hope i will b able to keep her at the current distance. Just a Hi-Bye fren, nothing more, nothing less.. makes the situation easier for my frenz as well.. less awkward.

impulses.. most pple tell u juz follow ur instincts... and do it. i dunno where this impulse will lead me to.. but hopefully is something gd...

what shld i do...

SOBZ!!!!! somebody tell me... tell me... i know there's a price to pay for everything in this world. nothing comes for nothing. the price might not just be monetary, it might be time, effort, brain power.. wadeva.

i think i mention here before.. i've injuried my knee last yr... with 2 physiotherapist, 1 sports doctor, 1 orthapedic surgeon.. all telling me that's it. my ligament is snapped. n the only way for it to heal is to do a surgery to reconstruct my ligament.

i dunno wad to do.. at first i thot juz do it. as long as i get back my knee... then i read more and more abt it.. and it's starting to freak me out...the price to pay is not cheap,

i need to put in
money: surgery, physiotherapy (at least 6 mths, with up to 3time/wk)
time: to do all the rehab exercise (pple describing it as part time work)
effort/preseverance: to continue despite of pain, no improvement

n after all that, i might not recover to how i originally is, i can exercise but most pple have said that they are juz satisfied that they can run.. pple that continue to do their vigorous exercise tend to say that they juz snapped the ligament AGAIN.

but i'm not going to settle for juz running.. comparing it to my current situation of fearing to do any exercise.. it's better than nothing.. but then put in all that amount of money, time and effort i wld wanna recover till i shall not fear in doing anything. i wanna go ski again, i wanna skydive.i wanna LIVE my life.

ARGH. ARGH ARGHHHH.. one worrying yr after another. sighz.

going for MRI scan on wed... hav to wait half a mth before i will get to tok to my doc again. Wad shld i do???